Joy

By Kristy Forbes

Joy

Morning joy

I’m always up before the birds and the sun

Always been a morning person

Partly due to a strategy developed in my early twenties

To hit the deck as soon as my eyes opened

In order to avoid falling into the depressive abyss

I often lived inside of

Struggling to climb out

My autistic, ADHD brain kicks off well before my eyes open

Problem seeking and solving by nature

It scans, scans, scans

For problems to solve

Like that time in 1987

When I accidentally told my guitar teacher

I had been gifted water BUMS

Instead of water BOMBS

For Christmas

And I wanted to sink inside of myself

Or fall into a hole

4am

Reliving that moment

An absolute cringe fest

In fact, my brain never stops

I’m often jolted out of reverie

In a panic, as my brain acts as an alarm

Being a PDAer also means that as my threat response

Is largely overactive

It too, remains on watch

Never entirely shutting down

Friends in my teens commenting, joking

“She can hear a stone in the gravel move in her sleep”

And it was true

I sensed human

Movement

Energy

My ADHD neurology does not respond to exhaustion

In the same way a non ADHD brain might

It creates a greater frequency of energy

My thinking ticks over, faster and faster

My body completely disoriented

And hyperactive

The two attempting to meet in the middle

Late to sleep?

Still early to rise

And yet

I’ve never known anything else

And so

This is my normal

I’m always up

Hours ahead of my family

Coffee had

Writing done

Daily planning

Thinking

Watching the sun rise

Quiet moments

No humans

Animals chatting

Birds bickering

And singing

My family join me

One by one

And I greet them

With excitement

Intensity

Overwhelming intensity

I try so hard

To be patient

Considerate

To tone it down

But I dance

And I sing

And I stim

And I laugh

Morning is joy

Pure joy

Another day

My husband sits

On the side of the bed

And I greet him with an explosion of thoughts

And feelings

And analysis

Over previous events

Or something I’ve read

While he rubs his face and sinks his head into his hands

No idea what I’m saying

His brain still catching up

And I realise

It’s too much in this moment

And so I try to tone it down

But I can’t

So I rejoin my children

And we laugh

And sing

And play

An abundance of beautiful

Chaotic

Energy

A dance

Of colour

Joy

Morning joy

And off they go

All of them

One by one

Out the door

And I am regulated

And happy

And calm

And they are regulated

And happy

And calm

Joy

Morning joy

This post originally appeared on Kristy’s instagram with the photo below. Image description: Me, sitting in front of my computer, writing this very piece, in my red dressing gown, showing my husband the gang sign I created for “family” to accompany my morning greeting for him as he entered the room, sleepy. “Good morning Mother F*c&er”.